Archive for April, 2009

All new letter to Doctor Fun – number 2

Dear Dr Fun?

I was wondering if you had any of your ‘Dr Fun’s Pornographic Colouring Books’ left for sale?

My six-year-old grandson has ‘stuck’ together most of the pages in mine, especially the popular ones.


Laughin’ Bill Smedley, Fridges

PS With paste and water composite. Not ‘porridge’ as his balls haven’t dropped yet.

[Doctor Fun has chosen not to reply]


Leave a Comment

New Roy Portugal column: waste of time children’s charity sponsoring Aston Villa

So, the footballing globe has shouted and shimmied around that majestic yellow dwarf a few more times since we last beaked.

Sad isn’t it, being sponsored by a tabloid newspaper. They should follow Barcelona’s example and have something touching like the U.N. proudly emblazoned on their outer star face.

And another thing-a-ling, I notice Aston Vanilla have got some kiddies home charity on their shirts.

Fine – all well and good. I always slip ’em a fiver at Christmas time (Rod and Jean you know who you are).

But to advertise on shirts like they’re some kind of hotel for the cast of Tucker’s Luck?

Are they seriously advertising rooms at their children homes, hoping to persuade post-nappy youngsters to up the jive stick and move from the nest of parents to these homes?

Even if the social activities are ‘good’ I can’t see many doing it. It seems a waste to me of good ink squid to me.

If you wanna do some good for God and his country, then why not have advertise an abattoir on your shirts?

That way you can hope to persuade some on-looking animals to voluntarily attend a nearby slaughterhouse therefore possibly removing the moral question for borderline vegetarians to ‘eat meat’ and therefore boost our economy.

Pump up the smile child!

Roy x

Leave a Comment

Hull City 1 Liverpool 3 – Twitter match commentary

Here’s how Twitter users reported Hull City’s 1-3 defeat at home to Liverpool.

You can get plenty of polished match reports on the web – but here are the off-the-cuff remarks from fans at the game or watching on hooky internet connections.

andymedcalf: I’m surprised also. Although most of scouse possession was between their back four, so it’s hardly representative of the game #hcafc

thekempton: Possession count according to tabloids this morning – #hcafc 27 per cent, Liverpool 73 per cent. Very surprising.

andymedcalf: @thekempton I didn’t think it was bad, though City players inexplicably kept losing their footing. Liv players too easily went down. #hcafc

thekempton: Apparently a Scouser sat in the East Stand got gobby when Liverpool scored against #hcafc and got filled in.

thekempton: #hcafc Benitez said pitch was terrible. Ball was like a rabbit bouncing up and down.

thekempton: #hcafc Liverpool score – 3-1. Game over. First legit goal they’ve scored against us out of five this season.

thekempton: #hcafc Manucho on for Boateng

thekempton: #hcafc oh yeah, Mendy and Cousin on for Fagan and Barmby a while back.

thekempton: #hcafc 2-0 down. Lucas handled in build-up to the goal according to Setanta.

thekempton: #hcafc hard to tell if Folan gave the Liverpool defender a sly kick or whether he was trying to jump over him. Innocuous either way.

thekempton: #hcafc Folan straight red for clash with their defender.

thekempton: #hcafc fat Setanta pundit says we’re playing like tigers today and not as previous weeks like Tigger the Frosties tiger. Er, that’s Tony.

thekempton: #hcafc Mascherano clutched his leg to win the free-kick like he’d been bludgeoned with a baseball bat, yet he wasn’t touched. Disgraceful.

thekempton: #hcafc 0-1 a few seconds before half-time for second week in row. Fromrebound from a free-kick which was a ridiculous, blatant dive. Cruel.
barog: Looked like a dive from SE corner #Hcafc

theSmaw: @barog You sound a happy bunch #hcafc

barog: Best atmosphere this season coming across well? #Hcafc

barog: Great start City #Hcafc

theSmaw: @thekempton Iraqgoals has a good stream today. Shame we haven’t closed down other teams like we are doing today #hcafc

thekempton: #hcafc Great long-range shot from Geo flashes wide. Commentary is out of sync with pictures, which is about two minutes behind reality

thekempton: #hcafc Put your clog behind it, Zayatte! He’s faffing with it in the middle.

westmo: #hcafc come on citaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

thekempton: #hcafc great touch from Myhill to put Torres shot out for corner. Should have been dealt with earlier.

theSmaw: watching #hcafc on

hullkr_online: @thekempton good luck to all #hcafc speccies today

thekempton: #hcafc subs: Duke, Hughes, Garcia, Mendy, Halmosi, Cousin, Manucho.

thekempton: @adamcoatham if #hcafc got 1 point from the Liverpool, Man United and Aston Villa games I’d be delighted. Key is to beat Stoke or Bolton.

adamcoatham: @thekempton Nor me, 2nd game it’s happened to me for, couldn’t get a ticket for West Ham. Not confident today! #hcafc

thekempton: #hcafc I didn’t manage to get a ticket for Liverpool game – first home game it’s happened – but will pass on anything notable from tellybox.

tomcavill: Feeling confident about #hcafc today, for some mad reason. Fagan brace to keep us afloat!

barog: Going to just relax and enjoy #hcafc today – no real expectations 🙂

Comments (2)

Government rejects Dean Windass statue plea

586 people signed a petition on the 10 Downing Street website demanding a statue of Hull City icon Dean Windass be erected in Hull.

Today, the Government said no, using such typically bureaucratic phrases that it’s guaranteed to make your eyes glaze over.

This was the wording of the petition, started by Jonathan Crumpton:

“For the people of Hull, Deano Windass is a living legend. For the past 15 years Deano, as he is affectionatly known by his fans, has graced the turf for many football teams in the north of England becoming an instant fan favourite. However he is not adored as much as he is by his home time fans of Hull City. Scoring goals and more goals for every club he has played for, Deano is considered one of the finest strikers to have played in the Football League in the past decade. In Hull he is a hero to all football fans and is still performing at a high level even at the tender age of 38. A great example to all youngsters for is hard work, self preservation, attitude and joy of the game. For these reasons I feel we should commemorate his hard work and achievements upon a plinth. Every Hullensian would welcome this and feel it due. So come Tigers, sign up!.”

And here, zzzz, is the Government’s response:

“Statues and memorials are not normally sponsored by central Government but usually result from private initiatives.  The promoters of a statue or memorial can achieve their aims by setting up a Charitable Trust, identifying a site and commissioning a designer, raising the necessary finance and obtaining the appropriate consents from the relevant planning authorities.”

So, that’s that sorted – who’s up for setting up a Charitable Trust to get a Deano statue?

Comments (1)

Download Amber & Black – The Tigers Are Back

OK, so the Pirate Bay guys are going to jail – but what the hell, let’s stick our necks out and link to a download of copyrighted material which we saw on the interwebz.

I can’t imagine this is still for sale anywhere, but anyone wants us to remove the link, please just say so and it’ll be done asap.

Anyway, for the time being, this is Amber & Black’s superb track The Tigers Are Back in MP3 format.

It’s a little bit electro and a little shouty, like Sparks or something. It was the first record I ever owned and despite years of plays, my copy has held up quite well.

I have a hazy memory of Don Robinson throwing free copies into the South Stand at one game, but I bought ours.

The best lines were, of course, “We’ll paint the town amber / And yell it out in the street / We are Hull City /
The City no one can beat.”

However, even at a young age I thought the rhyming of ‘tiger’ with ‘decider’ in the chorus was a bit dodgy.

The b-side was great too. An instrumental version, except for the Hull City players singing “We’re gonna win the league, we’re gonna win the league” etc at the end. I don’t know if anyone has ever uploaded that to the internet, though.

The artists behind it have done lots of other stuff since, but this is their defining moment.

Download The Tigers Are Back here from

(Click on download and ignore all the attempts it makes to sell you a premiumn account. Just put up with the ads for 90 seconds and the Free download button will appear).

Leave a Comment

All new letter to Doctor Fun

Dear Dr Fun,

I was after a bit of advice seeing as you’re a GP or summat.

Basically, my mate (Peg) has offered to ‘rip me a new arsehole’.

Now, as I’m a right fat c**t (with my weight (increasing)) I think a new arsehole could help reduce the pressure on my current one which must be close to being clapped out by now.

So, I was wondering if there was a British Standard in recommendations for sizes of bumholes?

And would you need planning permission?


Ton F**worth, Sunnybank S**thole

[Doctor Fun has chosen not to reply]

Leave a Comment

Dean Windass banned from blogging

A bit late but I just noticed this announcement on the ITV website from last month that Hull City have banned Dean Windass from continuing his blog for them.

Dean’s loan spell at Oldham has now been terminated and he has returned to Hull where he will be concentrating on coaching the club’s youngsters and playing for the reserves.

Sadly his deal to return to the KC Stadium stated he could no longer continue with his media work which means there will be no further updates to this blog. But stay tuned for an announcement of a new blogger.

Probably for the best, since it seemed to the cause of the fall-out between him and Phil Brown. But it’s a shame that the one footballer who was actually honest in his comments, rather than issuing the same old tired cliches, has been told to shut up.

Leave a Comment

Older Posts »